TIPS FOR DEALING WITH PEOPLE IN PAIN
1. People with chronic pain seem unreliable (we can’t count on ourselves). When feeling better we promise things (and mean it); when in serious pain, we may not even show up.
2. An action or situation may result in pain several hours later, or even the next day. Delayed pain is confusing to people who have never experienced it.
3. Pain can inhibit listening and other communication skills. It’s like having someone shouting at you, or trying to talk with a fire alarm going off in the room. The effect of pain on the mind can seem like attention deficit disorder. So you may have to repeat a request, or write things down for a person with chronic pain. Don’t take it personally, or think that they are stupid.
4. The senses can overload while in pain. For example, noises that wouldn’t normally bother you, seem too much.
5. Patience may seem short. We can’t wait in a long line; can’t wait for a long drawn out conversation.
6. Don’t always ask “how are you” unless you are genuinely prepared to listen it just points attention inward.
7. Pain can sometimes trigger psychological disabilities (usually very temporary). When in pain, a small task, like hanging out the laundry, can seem like a huge wall, too high to climb over. An hour later the same job may be quite OK. It is sane to be depressed occasionally when you hurt.
8. Pain can come on fairly quickly and unexpectedly. Pain sometimes abates after a short rest. Chronic pain people appear to arrive and fade unpredictably to others.
9. Knowing where a refuge is, such as a couch, a bed, or comfortable chair, is as important as knowing where a bathroom is. A visit is much more enjoyable if the chronic pain person knows there is a refuge if needed. A person with chronic pain may not want to go anywhere that has no refuge (e.g.no place to sit or lie down).
10. Small acts of kindness can seem like huge acts of mercy to a person in pain. Your offer of a pillow or a cup of tea can be a really big thing to a person who is feeling temporarily helpless in the face of encroaching pain.
11. Not all pain is easy to locate or describe. Sometimes there is a body-wide feeling of discomfort, with hard to describe pains in the entire back, or in both legs, but not in one particular spot you can point to. Our vocabulary for pain is very limited, compared to the body’s ability to feel varieties of discomfort.
12. We may not have a good “reason” for the pain. Medical science is still limited in its understanding of pain. Many people have pain that is not yet classified by doctors as an officially recognized “disease”. That does not reduce the pain, – it only reduces our ability to give it a label, and to have you believe us.
…but I got a really patronising question on Ask.fm the other day and thought I would share both the question and my answer.
Context: I am in the process of converting to Judaism.
As a feminist and a lefty, why do you want to convert to an archaic, misogynistic, white-supremacist heteropatriarchal Abrahamic religion such as Judaism? Like, it’s not that different from CofE, so why dont you just stick with Christianity? Or convert to something more progressive like Buddhism?
Ok. Why don’t I “stick with Christianity”? Because I’ve never BEEN Christian or CofE (Church of England). I spent my whole childhood going to schools where I learnt about Christian values and about Jesus, sang hymns that I didn’t understand and said prayers I didn’t believe in, where at my (Quaker-founded) high school 40% of the girls were Muslim or Hindu or Sikh which really summed up the ridiculousness of school-enforced religion to me. I’ve never really approached Christianity of my own will, and I’ve never felt it’s the “right” path for me. I don’t feel that way about Judaism. Judaism makes sense to me. You can tell me it’s misogynistic, patriarchal, not progressive etc, but I know that the Judaism I’m learning is none of those things. It’s helping me see my life as part of a whole, to take responsibility for my life and also to be thankful that I’m here at all and able to make this choice. I’m pretty much done answering judgemental questions on conversion now, thanks.
It’s so fucking refreshing when a white cis man gets it.